Sunday, June 14, 2009

Guest Blogger: The All-Hotness Team

When I posted my All Unfortunate-Looking Team the other day (and by the way, how did I forget Otis Nixon?), it was suggested in the comments that I should follow it up with an All-Good Looking Team. And, well, I can't. I'd like to be able to; I just don't know whether guys are good-looking or not. I guess there's an ugliness threshhold below which I feel fairly confident in my assessments. Above that, though, I find I have no idea.

Enter my first ever guest writer: my own lovely wife, who has recently (re-)begun writing her own delightful blog under the name "Minerva." Enjoy!


After reading Bill’s delightful-if-irreverent blog on Thursday providing his readers with the homeliest of players, the question came to mind of whether he would provide the opposite list. He assured me he would not; however, he did offer me the opportunity to do so in his stead. I will do my best. I will restrict myself to players who have played in my lifetime, as he did, for consistency’s sake. Also, then I won’t have to look up quite so many players. I lack the depth of encyclopedic baseball knowledge of my darling husband, although he has made quite the baseball fan out of me. I undertake this challenge with one caveat: judging a person’s attractiveness is very subjective. I am going with my own gut reactions here, so I fully expect there to be some disagreement. I apologize in advance if anyone’s secret heartthrob is inadvertently left off my list. And if it seems like I have too many Twins, it’s probably because I watch them more than any other team, so I can readily recall more of them and what they look like off the top of my head…sorry about that. Maybe that’s why I don’t have many Yankees…Hmm.

Catcher: Joe Mauer. I admire baseball players that are great at fielding a very difficult position and also are excellent hitters. As the first-round draft pick for the Twins who went on to win the batting title in 2006 and 2008, Mauer certainly fits that bill. I also admire a pair of startlingly-blue eyes set off by dark hair (I secretly hope my own son will one day rock this combo). I may not be a huge fan of giant sideburns, but if that’s his biggest flaw, I’m willing to overlook it.

Honorable Mention: Mike Piazza. Growing up in California in the 90s, I clearly remember the days when a young Mike announced in a commercial that he was the lowest-paid player on the Dodgers, and he could still afford that car…what a cute guy. Always charming and well-spoken, and he wore a goatee well. He seems like the type of guy your mom would love, but he'd still be fun on a date. He happens to rock the classic "tall, dark and handsome" combination very well.

1st Base (tie): Justin Morneau. Another excellent player (MVP, anyone? How about Home Run Derby champ?). His name is fun to chant when followed by a clapping pattern. This action seems to spur him to superhuman home-run streaks against the Chicago White Sox. I am also a sucker for accents and he is Canadian. He has nice eyes, straight, white teeth and wavy but not 'fro-y hair. Plus, his surname rhymes with “porno.” I'm not sure why, but this seems to be in his favor.

Derrek Lee is a tall drink of water who still manages not to look like Frankenstein. He has a warm, genuine smile and once in awhile you can catch him laughing and joking in the dugout, as in this photo. Sexier than a solely-attractive man is a man with a cause: he is also a crusader for further research into the rare retinal disease that afflicts his young daughter. Bonus points if he can speak Japanese, since his father had a career in Japan’s major leagues. Domo arigato, Mr. Lee.

Honorable Mention: Chris Davis. Davis has big, soulful blue eyes. He also finds creative poses for his photo sessions, indicating a certain level of creativity and intelligence beyond raw athletic talent. Hmm, maybe I have a thing for goatees, I never noticed before. Maybe it’s just that so many danged baseball players HAVE them…I sort of have to end up picking some of them then.

2nd Base: Chase Utley. The unattractive-sounding surname doesn’t suit such a handsome mug. Even the boo-birds in Philly can’t find much to fault in him. I mean, really. He married a woman who is a classic beauty (not the bottle-blonde bimbos a lot of them seem to gravitate towards), and they rescue dogs together? What’s not to like? Let's take a moment to revel in the pure cuteness of it all.

Okay, moment over. Moving on.

Shortstop: Ryan Theriot. I love an underdog, and The Riot seems to be one of the main poster children of our loveable Cubbies. While his eyebrows are threatening to take on David Wright-esque proportions, he is otherwise a very nice-looking guy. A benign Sylar, or a more-athletic Spock, if you will.

Honorable Mention: Elvis Andrus. Bill had to spell his last name for me, I was not familiar with this rookie, but his smile has the makings of a young Denzel Washington. This one intrigues me. I will be watching you, Mr. Andrus. Please, keep smiling.

3rd Base: Evan Longoria. Lucky he is this cute, or everyone would tease him WAY more for having a name almost identical to Eva of Desperate Housewives fame. Another really nice smile, and the rest of his face is well in proportion as well, with nice high cheekbones and smiley eyes. Oh, and he can play a little, too.

Outfield: Ichiro! Suzuki. Even scruffy, his quiet intensity at bat and gravity-defying feats in right field make him very easy to look at indeed. His smile is more of the mischievous, little-boy-all-grown-up variety. Very winning.

Outfield: Torii Hunter. While he played for the Twins, he had braces for at least a few years, but despite that potential barrier, his smile was infectious. Now that they are off, it’s even more so. Just try not to smile when you see him smile! Really, I dare you. That’s on top of the 8 consecutive Gold Gloves.

Outfield: Jeff Francoeur. Sure, he he sucks, but look: PUPPY! In all seriousness, he is a good-looking dude. Sweet smile, big, bright eyes, long eyelashes. I guess it's good he has all that going for him since he probably won't have a really long MLB career. Get the Annies while you can, buddy!

Pitcher: Johan Santana. My first article of clothing featuring an MLB player's number was his. I had the pleasure of going to an early autograph signing he had at a Twins pro shop with my husband, and he is definitely easy on the eyes. Warm, open face, sparkling eyes, and a neatly kept goatee that actually flatters him. He was a very polite young man as well, which certainly doesn’t hurt. What could be a better combination than knockout looks and lights-out pitching? We miss you in the Cities, seƱor.

Honorable Mention: Pat Neshek. Okay, he’s hurt right now. That doesn’t make him less cute. He has an irrepressible energy that radiates from the field clear out to the bleachers. It shines through in his rakish smile and crinkly eyes. He also has an awesome submarine pitching action that actually offends opposing hitters—very entertaining. Plus, he is a big nerd—he collects autographs.

I dig nerdy athletes.

Okay, it’s impossibly late, so I need to put this, then myself, to bed. Thanks for humoring the chick that doesn’t know quite as much about baseball as all of you.

"Dude, we're hot. High five!"


  1. Not sure what I can add to the list here. Seems like a smart idea, Bill, to get a woman to write this post.

    I will say this, though: the girls up here in Milwaukee *love* themselves some JJ Hardy. Ryan Braun has his followers too. Oh, and I remember during the 1997 playoffs one of the national television announcers commenting on how Mike Mussina was "one of the most attractive men in baseball" and then spending like 2 or 3 minutes discussing his tall, dark, and handsome-ness. I always thought that was funny.

    Apparently, "I'm Keith Hernandez" had his fans, too (according to my girlfriend, who might show up here later).

  2. Lar's Terrific GirlfriendJune 14, 2009 at 10:17 AM

    Good call on Joe Mauer and Ichiro..... We do love JJ Hardy and Ryan Braun up here....We could make a movie with all these players called 'Field of Dreamy'.

    For honorable mentions, I'd add our Milwaukee guys....along with Jason Bay....Jacoby Ellsbury...Zach Greinke....I guess on field performace directly relates to hotness for me....

    When I was little, any player who looked like Tom Selleck was Keith Hernandez, Wade Boggs, Mike Greenwell, were considered way hot...( I grew up a Sox fan btw).... Paul Molitor was quite cute back in the day...apart from the cocaine 'stache...

  3. David Wright is an absolute must.

  4. @jorgesaysno: Sorry, dude, he is actually pretty nice looking but the eyebrows just kill it for me. They need their own zip code or something.