Thursday, June 11, 2009

The All-Unfortunate-Looking Team

Inspired by The Common Man's post of about a month ago and a friend's suggestion, here are my votes for the ugliest players at each position in my lifetime. This is a little mean-spirited for my taste, but it's not like this would be the first time any of these guys had heard it, and it's hard to think of a new topic every single day sometimes, so give me a break already:

Catcher:
Ron KarkoviceThere's a reason that all the cards (and other pictures for that matter) of the good-field, no-hit catcher other than this one are from a solid 15-20 feet away. He had the wrinkles, and the pure-white hair and whispy little mustache, of a 75 year old man. He was about 23 in this picture. No kidding.

First Base: John Kruk

You know, first basemen as a whole are a good- (or at least inoffensive-)looking group. They're either your strapping athletic types that look like quintessential baseball players (Steve Garvey, Don Mattingly, Mark Teixeira, Justin Morneau), or they're the lovably pudgy types (either Fielder, Kent Hrbek, Mo Vaughn, Jim Thome). Kruk might have fit into the latter category, but he wasn't quite pudgy enough, and the mullet goes a long way in this competition. And of course now on ESPN (he's still on ESPN, right? I really don't watch anymore), he looks like a bowling ball in a suit with no neck, just a head perched on top. Steve Balboni narrowly missed the cut, by the way, but with him I think it was just the walrus mustache; without that, he'd probably look totally normal. John Kruk couldn't be spared that easily.

Second Base: Mickey Morandini

In this picture, he kind of has a younger Ron Karkovice thing going. In later pictures, no doubt influenced by Krukkie (his teammate both here and with the Phillies), he has a mullet. Either way, it ain't pretty.

Shortstop: Alvaro Espinoza Huge 80s mustache + huge 80s glasses = win.


Third Base: Gary Gaetti

My first favorite player, as I've mentioned before, but man. You don't get a nickname like "The Rat" by...well, by not bein' ugly.

Left Field: Pete Rose Maybe I'm biased, but that mug and those jowls and that greasy bowl haircut...just kind of revolting.
Center Field: Willie McGeeThe MVP of this team, for obvious reasons. Not only was Willie less than blessed aesthetically, but his "picture face" was less of a smile than a look suggesting that something has just happened that is so horrible as to be beyond his comprehension.

Right Field: Ricky Ledee
Kind of an out-there pull on this one. But if that's not unfortunate, I don't know what is. And it's not the picture--all his pictures look just like this. May actually be The Missing Link.

Starting Pitcher: Randy Johnson
I mean, obvi. Apologies to Pete Vuckovich, CC Sabathia and David Wells, but just as with the NL Cy Young race throughout the early 2000s, this contest is no contest.

Relief Pitcher: Rich Garces
There are a lot of higher-profile guys to choose from -- Eckersley, Mesa, Urbina -- but if Ledee can make the team, then so can El Guapo. Kruk would give him a run for his money nowadays, but I think Garces may be the first player who, at his playing weight, was as wide as he was tall.
So who'd I miss?

6 comments:

  1. I've always thought Jim Thome was unfortunate looking. But Jeff Niemann HAS to be on the list. Seriously, go take a look. Horrifying.

    Tomorrow, you should do the all good-looking team.

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  2. If you do that, Pearlman will be writing a story about it.

    I don't want to say what the angle is, but I think we know.

    Not that there is anything wrong with that.

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  3. I think he's referring to this. Which would be fine with me (I'd rather avoid Pearlman, but only because his book about Clemens looks like absolute garbage).

    I'm just not sure I have the discerning eye to do justice to the reverse group, not actually being attracted to men. I'm a lot more confident IDing ugly than pretty among my own kind. Besides, I've already written my post for tomorrow...gonna take it easy and play video games or something tonight. :)

    I'm sure Niemann would be in the 5-man rotation, but I still have to go with Randy. Mileages vary, of course. They're both awfully scary.

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  4. Any team with Rich Garces on it is good in my eyes!

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  5. OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH. Then, am I of that persuasion for suggesting it?

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